Twisted: Why Nothing About Jesus is Keeping You Single & Lonely

I started writing this post in response to Deborrah Cooper’s article, “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely,” back in June when I first read it.  Since it was clear that Ms. Cooper lacked even the tiniest grasp on what it meant to be a Christian, I thought I’d write a response.  I wrote several drafts — all of which were dripping with disdain.  Since there was nothing in those drafts that showed I knew what it meant to be a Christian, either — no love or compassion at all for Cooper — I let it go, and I hoped that this would just go away.

It didn’t. Like skinny jeans and heels, “concern” over the plight of Black women’s dating lives seems to be the trend that just won’t end in the mainstream media — for some reason unbeknownst to me.  In any event, CNN mainstreamed Cooper’s rant against the Black church which consisted of an analysis of a Pew Research Center poll on African Americans and religion. Cooper concluded that: “Going to church for single Black women is a waste of time.”  She wrote:

What Do The PEW Study Results Mean For Single Black Women?

They mean that:

  • Following the tenets of organized religion is not going to get you anywhere because men are generally not religious.
  • Going to church is not getting you the husband you seek.
  • Going to church is not making you more attractive and interesting to men.
  • Going to church is not where you are going to find eligible bachelors to date.
  • Going to church is not going to teach you to be fiscally responsible, investment savvy, or empower you to achieve greatness as a woman.
  • Going to church is not going to broaden your horizons, make you more tolerant and accepting of all God’s children, nor is it going to encourage you to be free of the chains of patriarchy and oppression of your feminine energy.

Depressing! But Cooper also proposed some alternatives to church-going for Black women:

My suggestion is that you get off your knees, stop paying so much attention to what your Pastor says and open your eyes to the world around you. There are millions of really great guys out here that would love you to the depths of your soul and stand by you. There are many single men that will happily honor your spirit and desire to leave your mark on the world. However, he may not EVER set foot in a church, read the Bible or even pray; and he certainly may not be Black.

Do those things make him a bad person, unworthy of your attention or love? I don’t think so.

Los sighs.

I don’t know where to begin to address what’s wrong with Cooper’s statements, (the most offensive of which seem to have been removed from her original post).  So, I’m just going to speak directly to any Christian woman who happens to agree with her / has concluded that church-going has totally ruined your dating life: CHURCH IS NOT ABOUT YOU, BOO.

As Christians we know — but, in our human nature, often forget, or perhaps don’t fully understand — that we were created for one purpose, and one purpose alone: the worship and praise of God.  It is our sole obligation to give God praise with our lives, with our talents, with our words, and with our deeds. Attending church is just another avenue in which to do just that.  We come together to worship God solely for being an awesome, all-powerful, all-knowing God who is able to supply every single need we have.  We also come to praise God for the things He has done specifically in our lives and the lives of people we know.

I’d like to take this time to confess. For a part of my *ahem* “confused” years, I had a relationship with a man (whom I refer to as “Black” on this blog) who was not a Christian. It was a disaster. (Please pick up my book, The Diva Monologues in 2011, and be thoroughly amused, humiliated, and reborn along with me 🙂 )I was placed in this man’s life to minister to him about Christ — instead, I got distracted by muscles, skin, teeth, and politics.

This relationship damaged my very soul –not because of anything he did, mind you, but because my focus became saturated by this man. My goal was no longer to please God, I just wanted to be appealing to Black — and later on, I was willing to settle for even just being palatable to him. (It was a very sad, desperate time in life.) Yes, I knew that God commanded that we be “equally-yoked” with our partner, but Black was just so wonderful (hindsight:  -_-) and I began to question just how seriously I had to take the whole equally-yoked command.  And I also justified my disobedience  to God by saying that Black would one day become a Christian anyway and then I’d feel dumb for having “given up” on him. Besides my willingness to follow this man off of a cliff, I had no clue as to why God desired us to be equally-yoked in the first place.

And then a dangerous situation arose that compelled me to pray for this man’s safety and health. I have never prayed for an individual more or harder in my entire life.  Somewhere, in the midst of my praying for him, I realized that this was something he could never do for me, even if he did return my love (which, he did not, by the way. But, I digress). The point is that in going through that situation with Black, I finally saw what God wanted for me and how much I was missing by settling for less than that.  I saw that God is not trying to “punish” us, or “limit our options” by requiring that we be equally-yoked, He just knows what I didn’t want to see at the time: that we can never reach our potential being partnered with a person who is not chasing a relationship, a daily communication with Christ.  Does this make Black a “bad person,” for not doing this, as Cooper suggests Christian women believe? Of course not.  What it does, though, is make Black not MY person. (This took me a VERY long time to see. This is a revelation 2 years in the making!!! Y’all have to read the book, because y’all just do not understand how far God has brought me!)

Through that situation,I realized that I want a man who can go to my God on my behalf and intercede for me in prayer. I want a man who is not ashamed or afraid to get on his knees and pray for my soul, for my heart to change if I’m being too stubborn and going against the will of God, for my growth in Christ, for the fulfillment of the purpose that God created me for.

I want a man who understands that there is no life outside of Christ, but within Him, there is everything; that knows that there is great abundance in Christ that has absolutely nothing to do with wealth, or power, or prestige — these meaningless attributes that ultimately fade — but a man who is just satisfied solely by being an ingredient in God’s happiness, like Christ lived His life solely to be an ingredient in God’s happiness.

Just imagine: Christ loved us so much that He allowed himself to be beaten, tortured, and murdered in OUR place — so that the sins we commit in this world — every lie, every hateful act, every spiteful word, every hurtful deed we’ve ever committed — wouldn’t condemn us to being beaten, tortured, and slain, but that we could have everlasting life in Heaven with God, instead.

Imagine a man who loves you so much that he is willing to lay his life down for yours,  no matter how many times you break his heart and no matter what you did in your past to deserve death, and no matter how other people have condemned you; a man who loves you so deeply, solely because you are a child of God whom God loves, and not because of what you’ve accomplished, how you look, how you cook, or anything else that you can do for him;  a man who loves you so much that nothing you have done or can do can make him take his love away from you.  And not just if you are willing to love him back.  This kind of love is just freely yours, no strings attached, it is there for us to accept whenever we are ready to accept it.  This is what Christ’s love for us looks like. And, more importantly, this is what Christ’s love for God the Father looks like:

O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as You will.

Even in Christ’s most painful hour — the night before He was to be wrongfully convicted and heinously executed by the very people He loved and came to save — Christ gave Himself completely over to God’s will because He knew that through His obedience to the will of God that many people would be saved. Saving us from our sins would make God truly happy.  As a result of Christ’s love and devotion to God the Father and His perfect will, God looked down upon Christ and said, “This is my son, in whom I am well-pleased.” And that was enough for Christ. He didn’t need us to love Him back, to accept Him, to change our minds about our sins, to be grateful to Him for His sacrifice for us because He had the validation and confirmation of God — He did what He came to this earth to do, and all the other great things that happened as a result of His life were wonderful additions that also made God happy.

Now, imagine a man with no concept of Christ, with no concept of His love and what pure love looks like, no concept of the peace, joy, and completion that comes from living a life solely to please God — and see what you are missing. Settle for less, if you so choose.

But, as I’ve been told and I truly believe: A man who won’t break God’s heart, won’t break yours, either. Oh! To have a man whose soul desire is to make God happy! Makes me want to take a lap around the church 😀 (I see you, Mount Olive Baptist; you know what I’m talking about!)

The purity, beauty, love, and perfect peace that this spiritual connection to another person through Christ brings us cannot be manufactured nor substituted.  There is no movie-theater love, lust, or sex that can even reach the same stratosphere as the purity of an intimate relationship that is engulfed by the Holy Spirit and ordained by God.  Settling for less than what God can provide — and wants to provide for us — is really just dissatisfying and heart-breakingly sad. ANY church that is teaching you otherwise, FLEE from it!

I get that this is a lot to swallow. This is difficult to understand for people like Ms. Cooper. This is difficult to understand for folks who do not yet know Christ or understand His ways or what kind of transformations He has the ability to bring about in our lives.  This is difficult for Christians to understand, and requires God transforming our hearts and stirring a revolution in our minds that redirects our focus solely on Him and giving Him praise on a daily basis. As I ‘ve mentioned several times on this site,  a podcast of J.R. Vassar’s sermon “Freedom from the Fear of Man” is my daily meditation, and reminds me that I need to be praying for God’s happiness to be the sole desire of my heart —

It took me two years of lowliness, of wallowing in myself, my relationship mistakes, and my sullied reputation, to get to the point where I would be receptive to this revelation that God’s pure love and His perfect will should be my sole desire.  But, praise God! I am here now. Sometimes it takes a breakdown — and even God breaking us down — to realize that IT IS NOT ABOUT US: the key to our wholeness, freedom, and satisfaction is to just be consumed with Him.

So, if you are Single & Sad & Lonely — and Christian, it’s a sign that your heart has not yet been consumed by Christ.  You have to die to receive the pure love that Christ is offering you, meaning that you have to die to yourself. You have to give up your desires and your ambitions, and ask God to radically transform your heart, thoughts, and deeds to be solely focused on Him and not yourself.  (As you can see, following your will and your desires, and your ambitions has kept you — Single & Sad & Lonely.) You will otherwise be perpetually unhappy and dissatisfied — never quite fulfilled, always needing something that you just can’t quite explain. And everything that you try to fill that void with — men, career, beauty, children — everything will fail to give you the complete happiness that you desire and that God wants you to have.

Instead, as the Word commands us, you must: “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.”

Does this guarantee you will be married before you turn 30? Clearly, not.   Does this mean you should get lost in Christ and be consumed by His love for you until such time as your real knight and shining armor comes  along and starts paying you attention? Girl, be for real.

No, I’m serious — be for real.  Be for real about your commitment to Christ and to your sole purpose of worshiping God with your lives and your whole heart.  Be for real about meditating on God, reading and studying His word, entering into fellowship with other Christians who can help you on your journey to knowing Him and His purpose for you. Be for real about not living in sin anymore. Be for real about asking God to make your sole desire be for God to say this about you: “This is my child, with whom I am well-pleased.” Go out into this world and spread the love of Jesus to every soul you meet, using the talent and purpose God created you with. And watch how He will fulfill you like you’ve never been fulfilled. And see Him open up windows and pour you out blessings you don’t have room enough to receive.

So, Ms. Cooper, the man you mention that “may not EVER set foot in a church, read the Bible or even pray”; that man who can love me as much as he is able to love —outside of Christ; that man who will “happily honor your spirit and desire to leave your mark on the world,” but doesn’t understand why my spirit is married to Christ and that my desire to fulfill my purpose is solely for God’s happiness; that man who isn’t also seeking these things for himself — that man is a bridge to nowhere for me.

I’d rather have Jesus. And I pray that one day you’ll understand why.

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  • Charis

    I’m glad insomnia woke me up to receive this!

  • Christie

    Brooke!! This was WONDERFUL!! I’m so happy the Lord inspired you to write this!! My sentiments exactly!! Took me some recent stumbles to be reminded that no one can honor the Spirit of Christ within me if they don’t know Him themselves. I want to read your book. Where is it available?

    O the foolishness we allow into our lives when we take our focus off Christ. But I’m so happy that GOD doesn’t give up on us and restores what the locusts try to devour. Love that God makes my cup run over in front of all the “enemies” like those critics (aka satan in relationship expert form)

  • MDFinerWoman

    *throws shoe, runs around church and praise dances*


    Does Ms. Cooper have a man? I’m curious. And if you are going to the Lord’s House to find a man, you are missing the entire point, which is why you are not finding your man there. hmph, AGAIN.

  • A.Smith

    I can’t do much else but say amen and thank you for writing this!

  • Karamelcity01

    Wow this article spoke to my spirit and let me know that I need to be focused on my relationship with Christ and allow him to continue to order my steps. His love is so real and in grateful that he considers me worthy to be his child.

  • Interesting take. I see you didn’t have much to say about the facts of the article which are:

    #1 More women go to church than men. That means if you are looking to meet an equally yoked mate in church you are wasting years of your life doing so.

    #2 More women go to church than men, which means women are being pimped for their money by male pastors, ministers, deacons, and elders of these churches. To the tune of $485 billion dollars ladies. What do you think has happened with that money? Look around your communities! Do you see $485 billion dollars of improvements, programs, jobs, and opportunities for yourselves and your children? No, you don’t.

    #3 Black men have more sense than to waste their time and energy praying to a White God. They do not see the need to be on their knees supplicating themselves to anyone. It is not masculine to beg for help or guidance, which is why men see no need for religion.

    #4 Going to church is a waste of time because God is not limited to the church house. That is not his/her address, nor is it a prison where you must go to meet up with God. Church is a man made building and religion is a man made proposition designed to control the minds of the masses, and anyone that follows religion is volunteering to be controlled.

    Please tune into CNN’s broadcast on October 21, 2010 entitled CHURCHED which will delve into these issues much deeper. I will be a part of that broadcast.

  • PinkLuck

    All I have to say is, ”Amen.”

  • Jennetta Barnes

    I pray for both of you for very different reasons. Thanks Brooke for an outstanding contribution. May God continue to bless you and keep you inspired.

  • RD

    I am single and don’t go to church (mosque actually) to find a potential spouse. BUT HONESTLY, I would rather meet a guy at church then the Club…

    I go to learn more abt my personal relationship with God. Although, One of the reasons to go is to meet people but with the intention to develop friendships and share ideas. BUT Turn this around. Why go to a club/concert when you can dance/jam at home? We are constantly being “controlled” whether its the gov’t, media, priests, or celebrities. I do volunteer to be controlled by GOD.

  • Deborrah Cooper responds 2my post that responded 2 her post saying Black women dont need 2 be in church

  • LJ

    I’m trying to figure out when “facts” #2, #3, and #4 became facts and not matters of opinion? Really, giving money to the church is not about the Pastor but the mission of the church, which sometimes isn’t as loudly seen as jobs, but maybe mission work, feeding the homeless, helping members in financial struggles. And my Pastor is a woman not a man, is SHE pimping me?) When did God become white?! Did I miss that scritpure? If you are referring to the anglo saxon version that we see majority of the time then maybe he’s white….but if you read the BIBLE, God is colorless. Yes God is not limited to the church building, but you need the church building to congregate and then go out and spread the gospel. And actually Paul calls the church the body of Christ, not the building….we just use the building cuz it’s convenient to be in as opposed to sitting outside.

    At the end of the day if you don’t have a respect and understanding of Christianity = relationship with God, then you’ll never understand someones (Male or Female) committment to their faith. To you, our faith is gibberish, to us it’s freedom not constraint. Love ya!

  • SweetT

    I did enjoy this post, but excuse me while I digress…I would like to point out that MAYBE only one of the things Ms. Cooper listed in her comment qualifies as a “fact” & that is women outnumbering men in most churches. Everything else is her opinion. I am almost certain that she is being intentionally inflammatory in her remarks. I don’t even attend a “black church” & I took umbrage at these gross over-generalizations and the misinformation that she is spreading.

    Perhaps if one views the local church as a social club or a place to meet men or even as the place where “God lives” (perhaps she has us confused w/pagans?) or somewhere you have to pay to go, he or she might be inclined to share Ms. Cooper’s viewpoints. But if someone identifies himself or herself as a Christian, he or she might do well to see what the Bible has to say about the local church as well as Christ’s Church universal. Nothing in scripture suggests that participation/membership in either of those is optional.

    Nor does the Bible promise marriage or describe God as white. (He is A SPIRIT!) I have also never read anything about men needing to “beg for help” or Christianity being a “non-masculine” faith. I am very curious as to what it is that informs her supposed knowledge? As the scripture says, be careful of those who are always learning, but never arrive at any knowledge of the truth.

    The Bible clearly teaches that a man is supposed to be the spiritual leader in his home. If a man lacks spiritual discipline and a genuine relationship with Christ, where exactly is he supposed to lead me? I have so much more that I could say, but I’ve already written a blog in these comments.

  • SweetT

    I would like to add that all churches are NOT created equal and finding a sound one that actually teaches the Bible vs. feel good or prosperity theology can be like searching for a needle in a haystack. There are many “churches” where pulpit pimps and foolishness reign, but it is unfair to try to say they’re all the same.

  • DeborrahCooper author of the "Black women need 2 stay out of church 2 get a man" post responds2my post:

  • @CNN Deborrah Cooper, whom u quote in ur article on Single Blk Wmn & the Blk Church responds to my post

  • RT @DCDistrictDiva: DeborrahCooper author of the "Black women need 2 stay out of church 2 get a man"…

  • @Deborah Cooper
    White God? Pure statistics? I am confused. Why am I confused? I am confused because God has no color. God is not white, black, hispanic etc. You delve into the issue that more women than men attend church. Was this a poll of black churches only or of all churches? There is no commandment that says black woman shall marry black man. Period.

    Secondly, not all churches operate as plant a seed, see a blessing operation. That is a specific type of message that is sent out that is disturbing in it’s own right. Now we pay millions of dollars in taxes and I still don’t see those same establishments you mentioned. The proper question is what can we do to change that? Not placing blame on your definition of the ‘black church’.

    God is not limited to the church but you have clearly esposed that God should not be a major factor in selecting a mate anyways. What is your point?

    Screw the church gimme a man?

  • jeff

    Its funny how we as black people get all entangled about a God and religion that was forced upon us by our slavemasters but that is another discussion for another day. Both women make good points and can it be that if you’re like a woman that is in church looking for a man that believes that following christian guidelines, then yes going to a brick and motar church would be the best place to go because at least you can say he showed up to reaffirm his faith and values.

    As to Ms. Cooper’s point once you get to chuch and you think you see potential mates, don’t be suprised that they don’t walk in faith (more or less) the way you do or think you do. We’ve all been disappointed by someone that quite didn’t live up to THEIR expectations, why should church be different? I think all she is saying is that if you’re truly looking for happiness in a relationship, don’t let church be the only place you look for someone to treat you good if not better than the christian principles you live by.

  • Great article Diva. I understand what you are saying and I also understand what Miss Cooper is saying.

    I was raised in the church but I have not been back in two years due my old church engaging in spiritual abuse, mis-handling of funds, and being pimped out by a Pulpit Pimp. But all of that has nothing to do with Jesus. If anything, my relationship with Him has grown since the scales fell from my eyes. I want to go back to church but this time with eyes-wide open.

    Unfortunately, at my old church, we were always told a “Boaz” was coming during womens Bible study – this was a tactic used to get the women to give more of their time and money to church. I always had a social life outside of church functions so I did not live and breath by these “prophe-lies” but I felt sorry for my sisters in Christ, some single mothers, who really though God could only bless them with a husband who was going to walk through the church doors any given Sunday.

    Even if one did show up, women were fighting over the man like the last box of chocolates at an after Valentine’s Day sale – it was sad and a lot of times these so-called Christian men took advantage of the situation by playing these women against each other, having sex with them and doing anything but treating them as Christ loves the church.

    I know there are Godly men at church but I am leaving up where I meet him to God. I want a man who realizes that submission to Christ is one of the sexiest qualities a man can have. The Diva is right – how can I follow and submit to a man that won’t follow and submit to Christ? It ain’t happening. Meanwhile, I rather stay single and saved than to be yoked up with a whose spiritual life is as dead as a door nail.

  • It's Saturday!! Check the new post: "Twisted: Why Nothing Abt Jesus Is Keeping U Single"

  • Post is a response to Deborrah Cooper whose nutty thoughts on Church keeping Blk wmn single went viral

  • Cooper responds to my post in the comments section. U can lead a horse 2 water…& thats abt it!

  • LOVING the comments on my post Twisted: Why Nothing About Jesus is Keeping You Single & Lonely Join in!

  • Me

    FLAT OUT, Stop Looking for a MAN at church. That is not the point of attending. You are supposed to be looking for and FINDING and having a relationship with God.

    Oh, and pray for Deborah….

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  • @HuffPostRelig Response piece to Deborrah Cooper's rant that Blk Church is keeping Blk wmn single

  • Wow! This discussion has blown me away. I don’t even know where to begin.

    I grew up going to church. Unfortunately, I am currently looking for a new church home but for now, I worship on my own.

    I have an active social life and I have no problem meeting great men in many places. Therefore, my perspective is one that understands, agrees, and disagrees with both sides of the fence, that of yours and Ms. Cooper’s.

    I do not agree with compromising my Christian values and lifestyle to settle with a man that CANNOT and WILL NOT compliment me spiritually. How does this aid me in my continued efforts to develop my relationship with Christ or even make me happy? As far as I’m concerned, Ms. Cooper can keep that man! That’s the man who is lost in the ways of the world and is unable to steer his relationships let alone himself in the right direction because he has no real source of guidance.

    As far as dating, it is up to the woman whether or not she finds a man, not her commitment to going to church as the blame. I think in order to complete a task, you must first focus all of your energy on it. So if the task at hand is to seek the Kingdom of God, that requires your full devotion. Just as a woman’s task would be to find a man, no stone will go unturned until she gets the man she is looking for.

    The only point that Ms. Cooper made that I can agree with, is that in this day and age, the man of your dreams will not walk through the church doors and come and sit in your pew. You should be proactive and have a social life outside of the church. However, if you do meet your man outside of the church, it should be your duty as a Christian and STEWARD of God to bring him in. I have yet so see that mentioned! STEWARDSHIP is a large portion of being Christian. So go ahead. Meet the guy at the football game, but be real and show that you are unmoving with your commitment to God. And if he’s not the one, God will show you.

    I think a large part of a woman’s down fall as far as her quest for happiness is that fact that she will be a sheep to anything, be it a man, or a brick and mortar church. Being a sheep of the Lord is the one thing we should be, not simply the ACT of going to a church just to say you go. And don’t be a sheep to a man who does not put GOD first.


  • Jessica

    I think that this was a great article…I definately think the one thing that we don’t really require of a man is a man who has a relationship with GOD. Some figure that they can change a man into wanting a relationship with GOD, but if he does not have that desire….you know the rest…But good job Brooke!!!!

  • Shawn

    Interesting article and true to point for many of our sisters.

    I think that some women ignore the implications of choosing a man that has an unequal commitment to Christ, if any commitment at all. I know I have been there.

    Some women settle for less than they desire and deserve, in part I believe, because of societal influences. These limitations women place on themselves limit them to the true connection they can have with God.

    Some women may feel it necessary to lean more on man than on God in order to fulfill what they believe are their needs.

    “As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” John 15:4
    This verse is a reminder that we cannot do anything without Christ and that He is our connection to God, not man.

    I applaud you for a well written article.


  • @KikiyoDono I wrote a post on that, rooted in the word, here: "Y nothing abt Jesus is keeping u sngle"

  • JDW

    I’m a 17 year old male and I totally agree!!! I had an eye-opener this past summer, and this have seemed different since. I still have struggles and what not, but if you want to live a truly exciting life, be a Christian because ANYBODY can fall by the waist-side. 😀 Good job to the author of this and I will be sharing this! Thanks for such helpful info on even how I could be better! We always need it!

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  • Amen!

    I honestly feel sorry for Deborah, because to actually know the love of my Jesus is so awesome! Once people stop focusing on a man/woman and start focusing on God they’ll see that He is all they need. He’ll take of the rest.

  • KK

    I definitely agree with Deborrah Cooper 100%. Know your history. Stop praying to a white man while all the black men you desire trample over you and pass you by. Open up your mind, stop being enslaved by the voids you seek to fill from the man in the pulpit and stop blaming those who are offering you alternatives to happy successful relationships.

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  • mj

    i went to a college that was more women than men. does that mean my male professors were “pimping me out” for my tuition money? geeeeez

  • As leader of a singles ministry though I am engaged (i was single when i started this ministry), the whole tone of the article is sensationalized and does not speak to specific points. I for one encourage singles of all genders and races that fellowship in and outside the church is a good thing in terms of not only finding a mate if one wants that, but just finding good friends.! No the church is not a set up joint so it is not their responsibility to provide mates. It is their responsibility to provide empowerment ,spiritually and emotionally, friendship, community, and place to go for respise from the horrors of life no matter what your marital status or gender!

    However, I have found with many churches that singles in general are always asked to be so active and that I have a problem with. Also, there are some and I do say some that want their single professional women to not date outside their church for fear of loosing members, since most women when they do marry the start to attend their husband’s church. Each single must decide for themselves what is best for them. But telling a single christian that because most the world is not as believing or as church going so how can they expect to m rry means what? That something is wrong with them? Hilarious giving how much of the world is messed up and let’s not even talk about the black community..maybe not being so believing, and having a real relationship with God is where the problem resides and not with the church necessarily. I find this mindset especially funny since many of my women friends saved or otherwise are always complaining to me about their relationship problems, asking for prayer, and can they use my timeshare to get away for awhile! I see plenty of happy black couples in my church, some not so happy, and happy and not so happy singles!

    To advise a single to stay home on sunday and hang out in starbucks or at the football game because many men are there, is like saying if most are doing drugs so should I! Talk about lowering one’s standards! Maybe other’s standards need to be uplifted! No a devout christian woman should not have to lower her worship to get a man, tell the man to improve his! I see woman friends not church going who are in relationships and are miserable or if okay, they are living or have lived with men who still not have not married them, or got rid of them after she helped him get his condo/ car/ etc! I meet alot of non-church going men with bad attitudes/ ego-centric issues/ selfishness/ mama’s boy mentalities/ and they get women to live with them and act like a wife and never gets his name, or their name on anything she helped him to buy! And you would tell me these are the better choices since they are in the majority? Hilarious!

    Single christian woman need to stay in church so as to receive wisdom and empowerment so as not to fall for the junk that lies at the foot of many men, so -called christian and otherwise. That is what the church is for, and they should take some time to go other places for fun and fellowship and not think that their church is the only place to expect to meet someone, for that is the wrong outlook. One must move around and sisters need not fear that in doing so, one will get into trouble, that’s why we go to church to get the info to keep us from falling and thus being confident that we can fellowship in a variety of places..and keep our standards about ourselves!

    And to Ms. Cooper, blacks spend more money at macy’s than they do in church, and none goes to the black community, yet I don’t hear u telling them to stop shopping! Also I invite u, cnn, and anyone who thinks like you to get in the face of my 6’4 finance who is a US Navy Seal and tell him how “unmasculine” he is because he kneels in prayer out of his love for his Lord!

  • Wow, I’m sorry I’m just reading this today. I read Ms. Cooper’s article and agreed with her for the most part. I’m a Christian, and what saddens me most is that Black women are usually the ONLY group of Christian women talking about NOT going to church to find a husband, or like going to worship God is the only reason you should go. The church is the central point of many people’s lives and women of other races understand this. Of course you should be going to church to find a husband, where else should you be looking? Now, I’m not telling you to be checking out the guy next to you during the sermon, but you should be looking during other times. This is why so many white Christian women marry so young, everybody in the church is looking to pair them up and make sure they find a mate. Jewish synagogues do the same thing.

    And this is where the rub is; most black churches are predominantly women; I don’t think anybody can dispute this. And of the men who do go to church, most of them are already married, many of them are gay (can we please be real about this?) and the rest of them have so many women to choose from it creates a hostile competitive environment for the single men who are available. So what is a black woman who is looking to be married supposed to do? While we’re sitting here talking about how the Bible doesn’t promise marriage, Christian women of other races are busy finding mates at church and getting married.

    Go to a predominantly white church sometime, if you don’t attend one already, and see how many single women you find. I’ll bet there are only a handful. Black women have got to open their options on some level, or stay single. Your choice.

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  • Jessica

    Today, I have read every post you’ve written about sex, relationships, and a Christ- centered life… I just want you to know that it took me out of feeling sorry for my sinful self & opening my eyes to the truth about myself. I am a Christian, single, and was finding difficulty in living celibate. I have repeatedly, in my walk, lived the cycle of self-denial, self- indulence, guilt, & repentance; I’m getting to the point that I’m becoming depressed because I keep messing up.
    I thank you because all you have shown me was I was still self- centered in my love to Christ… I allowed a recent breakup, stress of bills, & other meaningless things of this world take my eyes off God. I became like Peter when he started ti sink, walking towards Jesus… Your biblical advice & the urgings of the Holy Spirit showed me just how self- centered I had become; but they encouraged me to envision God’s love, mercy, and sacrifice. And once I did that, I my soul yearned deeply for the Lord. It was as if God flicked on a switch and I was empowered by Him to live a life pleasing to Him… To walk boldly as a living sacrifice… To trust solely in Him… To seek His Will and desires… To make Him smile!
    I just pray sis that you continue to allow the Lord to use as a blessing to others in your writing, because you have, certainly, been a blessing to me. Please keep me in your prayers. I find that as I am embarking on new beginnings in Christ, I need to keep looking to the hills and take joyously the stretching of my faith.
    May God keep you and bless you is my prayer.

    • Wow Jessica! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your story with me. I am so glad you were blessed by these posts –God is so awesome! And I’m glad He brought me to you. I’m praying for you too, sis, as you go through this amazing journey with Christ! Please keep me posted on your walk! diva AT

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  • itaur

    OMG..!!! its like reading my story..!!! I’m happy to hear that Im not alone to the road that Im heading. I may not know the answer to my problems always but i believe in God’s plan for me.

    • itaur thank you so much for reading and commenting! You are most certainly not alone and you are absolutely right! God has greater plans for you than you can ever dream of for yourself!!

  • JahKnow

    It’s clear Deborah Cooper reserves little to no reverence for Christianity, she goes a little overboard in her scathing remarks people would inevitably take personally – but funny enough in principle I agree with her. I read this response (admittedly not in it’s entirety), and as is often the case these days, I spent even more time reading the comments. What I’ve read is the perfect example to prove Deborah’s point to a T. There’s lot’s of God rhetoric here that could just as well be spewed out from a robot. Some of the comments sound very much like the main blog, making them sound like they could’ve been written by the same person. Very little personality comes across, and maybe therein lies the problem. Where would a man fit into your world if it’s so filled with Jesus this, Jesus that? It’s almost as if, you’re hiding behind the doors of this religion thing. Where is ‘your’ essence? Where would I find the thing I could become attracted to if all I hear is this robotic rhetoric?

    I can see why Deborah came out with all guns blazing because the people she’s talking about are hard to reach. They will be deaf to all that’s been said and will likely take away no lessons because they are so entrenched in their position. Look at the comments, how they reinforce the main blog. Look at supporting comments, how they reinforce the blog – both preaching to the converted. They are at risk of moving even deeper into the christ thing, so that, they end up becoming more attractive to like minded people who unfortunately in this case happen to be other women in the church and of course their pastors’.

    • Is that you, Deborah Cooper, coming through with the the dial-up internet response several years later? LOL. Thanks for playing and commenting on the blog post you said you didn’t bother to read. Those hottakes are the best.

      • JahKnow

        Wishful thinking maybe. No, I am just a black man from London. And I doubt the situation has changed one bit for black women in the church. Black women trading in their lives for dogma while the European people who brought you the tale have long moved on, leaving you and I in their wake. While you have your eyes closed, praying, they are running away with the world (and that includes those predators in the church dressed up as lambs). Keep your spirituality, please. Its who we are. Just, don’t swallow everything from that single book. Are you telling me God is jealous enough that your whole life must be dedicated to his worship. No. I implore my African people to wake up.

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