"Single, Saved, & Sexin'"? Not in the Name of Christ, You Don't!

I read a post last night that grieved my heart to no end. It is called “Single, Saved, and Sexin’: The Gospel of Getting Your Freak On.” From the title to the contents of this post, the air was sucked out of me:

Like most conservative Christian folks, I grew up believing, that sex was reserved for marriage. For years my sexual experiences were laden with guilt. I routinely went years at a time with no sexual contact, until I would finally, in a fit of weakness give in to my urges. I was caught in a continual cycle of self-denial, self-indulgence, guilt, confession, rinse and repeat, topped off by five years of celibacy. I was treating sex as if it were a bad habit that I desperately needed to break.

All of that is a prelude to a confession: I’m single. I’m saved (as in born-again Christian). And I have sex. Unapologetically. [emphasis added]

She goes on to defend her choice to have sex, citing the oppression of women in the church, and the single sad lonely Christian Black woman phenomenon.  She concludes:

I refuse any longer to live a fear-driven life, based upon a set of rules that mete out punishment and reward based on how well I perform.  I think Jesus came to free us from performance driven living.  As women, we are no stranger to performance driven lives, which often leave us empty and unfulfilled as we try to be all things to all people. And then we turn around and try to do this same thing in our faith, and it isn’t working. For Black women who are already forced to be superhuman in every other aspect of the world, our faith space, personal and communal, can only be liberatory when it permits us to be fully human, sexuality and all.


Sex is a form of creative power. And it is in the literal fact of its creative aspects that we feel alive, fully human, and connected. I think God wants nothing less than this for us, and that requires regular, intimate connections of bodies, or at the very least a very regular, intentional and unapologetic intimate connection with our own body.

So sex is back on the table for me in an emotionally safe intimate connection with another person. Because marriage or no, I am clear about this one thing: celibacy is not for me. I need connection. I need intimacy. I need sex. Period.

My mouth was hanging wide open after I read this, and my heart was broken.  My first thought was, “MAN! There are a whole lot of “I’s” in that post!”  When all we can talk about is what we want and what we need, that’s a sure sign that God is not in the equation. My second thought was that not a single scripture was quoted in the entirety of that post to provide any credence to what she was saying. That’s the most clear sign we can get to let us know that what we think has absolutely nothing to do with the will of God. My third thought was, “Is this how I sound to God? Is this what He hears when I make a conscious decision to sin — irrespective of what the sin is — despite knowing that what I’m going to do is going to break God’s heart?” It was such a great post for me to read, because sometimes we need to put it in writing — or say it out loud — to see how absolutely foolish we sound.

I’ve already explained why being “single, sad, lonely, and Christian,” ought to be oxymoronic in this post: “Twisted: Why Nothing About Jesus is Keeping You Single & Lonely,” so I won’t go back into that. But I’ll share with you my response to her, and ask that you all keep her in prayer:

This grieves my heart so much I couldn’t even get through it all. But how I feel makes no difference, as Christians, what should matter to us is how God feels. The clearest way to understand how God feels is to read the Word He left for us, which you did not quote at all to come to your conclusions. There is a reason for that. Besides that point, here are some questions that might be helpful for you to ponder as you figure out what God’s will is for your life.

1) What does it mean to be saved? You say you are “saved,” but then you say reading the Bible there “aint no good news in it.” That leads me to believe that you can’t possibly understand what Christ did just for you. How He sacrificed His life just for you and what that entails. Ask yourself, what does being “saved” mean to you? Christ was beaten, bruised, and brutally murdered so that we can be saved from the consequences of sin, which is death (Romans 6:23 “for the wages of sin is death, but the Gift of God is eternal life). ETERNAL LIFE! That should be enough good news in and of itself! But that is only the beginning!! Christ has saved us from being SLAVES to sin. Meaning we no longer have to sin because “we can’t help it,” or “it’s too hard.” Romans 6:1 “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?” What you are bragging about in this post, sis, is your dedication to living in sin, because God’s grace is going to cover you. But Christ has freed us from the bondage and death of sin!

2) Who is your master? Romans 6:16:Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and having been set free from sin, have become slaves to righteousness.” These scriptures clearly show that we are going to be slaves to someone. Our will is never our own, though we think we’ve got everything under control. We’re either going to submit to God, or submit to sin. You say Christ is your savior — but is He your LORD? The word “savior” is used to describe Jesus 24 times in the New Testament. The word “Lord” is used 747 times. There is a reason for this: you only need to be saved ONCE. What happens next is the understanding that Christ needs to become our master, that our lives need to reflect that Christ has saved us. That makes us different, and set apart. How are you going to minister to the world as Christ commands us to do in Matthew 28:20 if you are HAPPILY living in sin? He didnt save you so you can do what you like, He saved you so you can FOLLOW Him and have life more abundantly than any EMPTY sex can give you (because that’s what sex outside of God’s embrace is, EMPTY!). Luke 6:46-48, Christ says “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,” and do not do what I say?!” John 14:15: “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” PERIOD!

3) Where is your counsel coming from? Your declaration that you are “unapologetically” having pre-marital sex is the manifestation of your submission to sin. Sex is your master, and I have to agree with the sister above that when you can sin and have no apology for it, no shame at all, God has turned you over to a reprobate mind, because that is truly the absence of the Holy Spirit who should be convicting you when you do wrong. Where are the Christian leaders in your life? What do they have to say about this? Do you have any? This is why it is so important that God says in Hebrews 10:25 “forsake not the assembling together of Christians, so you can encourage each other, and all the more preparing for the Day that draws near.” You need a Christian circle of leaders, sisters, and brothers who will keep you accountable to the word of God. THat’s why the Bible says in Proverbs 24:5-6 “For by wise guidance you will wage war, And in abundance of counselors there is victory.” You are not receiving wise counsel. You are being deceived, sis. God forgives our sins when we REPENT. Repenting means to acknowledge your sin and TURN from it. It doesn’t allow you to be “unapologetic”! You are not being forgiven because you are not asking for forgiveness! You are not repenting and you are missing out on what God has for your life as you continue unashamed in sin.

4)How hard is “too hard”? You mention that it is “hard to take the Bible as the Gospel truth.” Sis, what?! As Paul says, if Christ didn’t die, we are wasting our times. Why do you claim Christ if you do not believe His word is “the gospel truth”? Yes it’s hard not to have sex as a single Christian, but let’s talk about “hard” for a second. Let’s talk about God sending His only Son to earth to die for us. Christ KNEW He was going to be betrayed by his closest friend, badly beaten, tortured, and murdered for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. He knew this in advance. Do you think that was easy for Him to do? Even as He was completely God, He was also completely man and would feel the emotional and physical pain He would endure. The night in which He was betrayed He cried out to God, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” YET NOT AS I WILL, BUT AS YOU WILL. We have all suffered wrongs in our lives, we’ve all been hurt before, but the bottom line is that WE SIN EVERYDAY, we hurt God everyday, and He doesn’t have any degrees of sin. Romans 6:23 THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH. ALL SIN. No qualifications. Every single day we live on earth is a blessing and a gift from God because we deserve death EVERY SINGLE DAY. So when bad things happen to us, we can trace that to something we’ve done that shows somewhere in our lives we deserved that wrong. But Christ died doing nothing wrong. Do you think that was easy? John 13:16 says “I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.” Christ is our master. Do you think that if He suffered, we are too good to suffer? If He faced trials and tribulations, we are too good to face trials and tribulations? It is a ridiculous thought! And you’re saying what, now? Your need to creatively express your sexual selfhood is too strong to be overcome? It’s too hard for you to do?! Keep Christ’s sacrifice in mind as you ponder what God has called for you to do with your life.

It’s not about you, boo! It’s not about your wants, needs, or desires. I am praying for you, sis! I am praying God pricks your heart and changes it to reflect Christ’s heart. The ruling desire of Christ’s heart was to do God’s will. That’s all He wanted. When the ruling desire of your heart is to do the will of God, then, my sister, you are a Christian. Until then, you are lost in sin. I am praying for you, and I would love to be a part of your spiritual circle of accountability. I love you, my sister, and I will pray with you, if you so desire. diva@dcdistrictdiva.com

We can sin all day long, but we had better not ever say Christ is cool with it, because that is a lie from the pit of hell. Do not be deceived! God is not mocked. In Revelation 3:15-16 He says: “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t ever want to be spit out. I’m tired of pretending the things that I do “aren’t that bad,” or aren’t as bad as some other people’s sins. I’m tired of ignoring that my sin is BREAKING GOD’S HEART. Let’s keep each other accountable to this. Let’s continue to pray for each other’s strength in Christ, because we are in spiritual warfare. The devil is busy, roaming, to and fro, seeking whom he can devour, and he’s starting in the Church. We need to make sure we are on a solid foundation, that our faith in Christ is rooted in the Word of God, because when we are outside of the word, we can justify anything we want, and that justification will lead us to ruin. Christ says in Matthew 7:24-27:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

So we’re either rockin’ or crashin.’  I want to rock. I want The Rock. And I want to want what The Rock wants. Check your foundation, family!




  • Henny/Sweet T

    i read the first paragraph of the post & skipped to the comments because i just couldn’t take the whole thing. i am beyond saddened & will follow your urging to pray.

    this is the comment i left. i don’t know whether it will be approved:

    every time we profess to be believers in Christ & then turn around and act as if, or blatantly say, that God is okay with our sin, we lie. we lie about who Christ is, why He came to earth, and what the Gospel is. something that says believers can continue in blatant rebellion against God is “another gospel,” indeed.

    we also call Him a liar. we say that what He says in His own word is not true. that He didn’t mean the standards for purity that He set forth–not even a HINT of sexual immorality. (ephesians 5:3)

    we say that God is wrong about how He designed sex to work. that we want His gift (& sex is a beautiful gift), but not Him. or His will for it.

    Jesus came to set us free from sin, not “performance-based living.” although that phrase sounds like truth (salvation by faith, not works) it’s a misrepresentation not all that different from the “you shall not SURELY die” lie the enemy fed us in the first place.

    obedience to God’s commands comes from a place of love for those who have been extended His grace through the Gospel of Christ Jesus. we don’t do these things in order to get Him to love us, but rather because His love for us changes us.

    we are so humbled by the undeserved grace (oxymoronic, i know) He poured out on us on the cross, that we desire to turn from the sin that put Him there in the first place.

    that is the response of true belief. so i don’t think people are saying that you have lost your salvation. (according to the scriptures, i don’t believe that’s possible) but rather that your actions MAY reveal that you were never saved to begin with.

    please believe that this truth & people pleading with you in these comments is coming from a place of love, not condemnation.

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  • Danielle

    One commenter from the original article wrote: “Good thing salvation through Jesus Christ is about freedom and grace, not uncomfortable rules and self-denial. Where else could we exercise our God-given creative power to create a bigger view of God, one that freely adjusts to our needs in our time…our way.” She makes it sound as though our view of God’s character can be adjusted to meet our needs and desires–which doesn’t sound like the true God described in the Bible. He is I AM, and His character is true, perfect, and unchanging, whether we like what He commands of us or not. Projecting our own feelings and opinions onto God is basically making ourselves our own God. His purpose is to make us holy people, not simply ‘happy’ people…

  • What a strong and powerful word! What breaks my heart even more than just her misguidance is that there is a church somewhere teaching her this mindset. Someone told her this was okay from the Bible, and she ate it up. We need for our churches, and our leaders, to be more willing to proclaim Christ as LORD, His Word as infallible, His standards as perfect, and our wants as expendable. We need to be in churches where our sin is intolerable and His grace is not seen as a bandaid that can be applied whenever we want. We need to be called to higher standards of living.

    Needless to say, you convicted me as much as I’m sure you convicted yourself and everyone else. Praying for you and this young lady!

  • Zhay

    This blog weighed (weighs) heavy on my heart. Every time I tried to gather my thoughts to respond it overwhelmed me. Long story short, she is deceived, much like Eve. Her ears have been tickled. As someone who struggled with sexual sin right up until I had my son, it blew my mind to see her declare that God was okay with it. Fornication springs from the spirit of sexual perversion and gives birth to broken hearts, broken homes and broken communities.

    She did however, in my opinion, raise a good point. Why are so many women single, sad and waiting? But you’ve provided some very pertinent points in your other posts so I say, well said DD. Well said.

  • LadyJax

    Amen!! I enjoyed this post!! I cannot wait to hear you on Divine Dialogue next week! I just finished listening to the author of the blog you discuss here and I am heated that someone with so much authority is intentionally leading others to disobey and manipulate God’s word to call a wrong a right! I’m looking forward to some truthfulness being spoken next week!

    • LadyJax thank you so much for posting! I listened, too, and was heartbroken once again by all of it, and really was thinking, “what’s the point?” But it’s not about me, its about God, and there are people who still need to know what His word says. Please pray that God will use me, that His truth will be spoken to His people in love, and that I continue to remember that its NOT ABOUT ME. Thanks again & God bless!!

  • LadyJax

    You brought it this evening!!! You allowed God to shine through you while reminding us that as Christians, our number one priority is to remain in God’s favor, not our fleshly desires!! It should be our soul’s desire to glorify Him above pleasing our flesh! Once again, thank you for being a vessel for the Lord to use to bring His word to the masses. So many people have been led astray, led to believe that God’s word does not pertain to us because we live in the 21st century. But God is never changing and always relevant, so it is utterly important that as Christians living in this sinful world, we remember that and abide by the instructions He has given us in His word!!

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  • Carol

    I only read what is on this page.
    This is a reminder of what it can be like trying to win a battle without using the sword you were given to defeat your enemy. I too have had occasions when I slipped into sin. While in it I cried out to God. Why is this happening… I thought I was so rooted and grounded in Christ that nothing would cause me to slip and fall. The answer to my crying out was from God and His word… with every temptation God provides a way of escape. God will never leave us or forsake us; we leave him. Appreciatively, God sent the Holy Spirit to remind us of truth and to bring things to our remembrance. So, even when we find ourselves slipping, His word that is rooted in our heart will be brought back to our remembrance. Note… my answer didn’t necessarily come from reading the bible. His word was already in my heart. All it needed was a slight beam of light to shine forth. That beam is a change in my mind and my will. It is me sincerely crying out for help. Sadly, when dealing with sin it becomes hard to read the word that will prick your heart. Why? (Because)I am not willing to let go of my desires yet. You are correct it’s all about me. One thing I can say is that often times before we enter into sin God has already shown us this is not the right thing to do. The revelation could have come from different avenues. Unfortunately, we sometimes ignore it or are just not equipped to recognize the voice of God. He speaks to us in many ways. The word says my people perish for lack of knowledge, with all thy getting get an understanding. It is imperative that we use God’s word and get an understanding.

    My advice to the sister would be to ask God what is at the root of her desire. It sometimes takes uprooting the root of our actions to overcome the manifestation.

    It takes the body of Christ to pray for one another in time of need and when one has fallen. Thank God someone was praying for me when I was lost!

    I thank God for your blog. May He continue to bless you!

  • Angie

    So what’s next? Single, saved and committing murder? Single, Saved, and Cussing? There is no justification for sin. Saying that you’re saved and then saying that you blatantly disobey God’s word is ridiculous! Why not just be atheist? Judgement Day is going to be horrible for those who are single, ‘saved’, and doing anything but what God said to do.

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